Tuesday Feb 13, 2018
It’s been two months since I gave birth to you, and every day I think about writing about what happened on Sunday Dec 10 when I went into labour and how it unfolded into early Monday morning when we met you.
But the cliché is true, it’s so difficult to find the time to sit down and take the time to write. It’s true that sometimes I’ve forgotten whether I have brushed my teeth in a day, or how long ago it was that I last changed your nappy. Simple things get confused. Time flies.
I have been thinking about and trying to find the words for the intense memories we lived together during labour. I am so thankful that I was able to live my dream to have you in the comfort of our home. The memories of that evening are scattered, it was an inward journey for me, one which felt extremely spiritual, loving and transformative. We shared this experience together. I felt connected to you instantly, and that same connection grows stronger and stronger every day.
Two weeks ago you sat on my lap as we watched the final 15 minutes of labour, the moment we met you, when my body became a bridge between God (or whatever you want to see it as) and planet Earth. Watching the video encouraged me to write to you. In the video I saw my Mother was standing by my head stroking my hair during contractions as I pushed, I hadn’t remembered that. I remember the deep earthly pain I was feeling the moment I heard the sounds I was making as I laboured in the pool of water. I remember chanting my mantra “Roshi is coming and my body is a vessel” and allowing the contractions to pass through my body likes waves. At one point Ruvan also chanted with me, his eyes locked into mine.
When my water broke I was so excited. I felt so ready to meet you and had been so curious as to how my labour would go. Ruvan and I were at home together for the first 1/2 of labour, when I suddenly felt you were coming quickly and asked Ruvan to get everyone here. Within an hour and a half of getting in the pool I dialated from 5 to 10cm and after 17 minutes of pushing you were born. Of course these numbers don’t mean much to you at the moment but they are relevant to the birth story. When I felt my entire body strain and push when I still thought I had hours of labour ahead of me I was shocked. I had a distinct feeling that the only way out was through and powered through the final stages.
Carol called Ruvan over, grabbed his hand and put him in touch with your head. I flipped onto my back with my legs spread wide. The entire apartment was dark with a few candles which I had lit when my contractions started the night before. I pushed with every muscle in my body (and without straining my face) and imagined you coming down the birth canal. Then you were in my arms and I was both crying and laughing with joy. It was magical.
I handed you to Ruvan so that I could get out of the pool and move to the sofa for my examination. My legs were shaking and the world around me felt pretty trippy. My Mum held my hand as I was examined on the sofa and not long after I had you back against my chest and you latched for the very first time. As the milk flowed, it felt like little electric shocks in my nipples. You were getting colostrum and I was overjoyed. At this point, a few hours after you were born, everyone left and Ruvan and I took you to bed where we all napped together.
Birthing you was the most beautiful feminine journey, leaving me empowered as a woman and a mother.
Thank you for choosing me!